How Much Coke Is Bad for Me?
Hey, you rapidly decaying protoplasmic sacks of calcium and shit, my name is Dr. Mona Moore. Obviously, that is not my real name, but I am a real doctor. Don’t feel bad for me, though, because it means I will always have a job, an apartment ten times bigger than yours, and the right to tell you what to do simply because I will always know better. Enjoy my column!
BOLLOCKS TO THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH - HOW MUCH COKE IS BAD FOR ME?
A dentist friend treated a woman who had done so much cocaine it had rotted a hole between her nose and mouth, as well as perforating her septum. That shits on Daniella Westbrook. This woman had a 1” by .5” wide black rancid pit on the roof of her mouth, through which her rotting nose would drip. Her mouth was her brain’s own colostomy bag.
She was in her 40s and had been using cocaine every day for 18 months, which doesn’t actually seem like long enough to have hollowed her skull. They repaired it using a chunk of her tongue, which they flapped over and sewed to her palette. She also had damage to her lateral nasal walls, which will lead to what is called saddle nose deformity. In other words, her nose will fall in on her face, that is unless she stays off the marching powder.
If this has made you delete your dealer’s number and stick your fingers up your nose to test the integrity of that delicate divider, then don’t worry, you’ll get a few warning shots before you wake up with the better part of your nasal cavity in a bloody lump on the pillow. First your nose will feel itchy, then you’ll start getting great crusty goliaths of scabs up there irresistible to pick, then recurrent nose bleeds—particularly in the morning, maybe some facial pain caused by blocked sinuses and eventually some bits begin to fall out, long before which you should have just stopped taking the shit.
Most people in London seem to take cocaine and so I guess many of you do too, and everyone asks the same question: How much do I have to take before the 30-minute rave in my heart will actually kill me?
DON’T FUCKING DO COCAINE, OKAY PEOPLE? THERE ARE BETTER DRUGS IF YOU MUST, AND HOLY GOD, YOU DO NOT NEED ANOTHER NON-PIERCED HOLE IN YOUR FACE. STOP THINKING IT’S COOL. STOP THINKING YOU NEED IT FOR SCHOOL. COKE IS DUMB AS SHIT AND IT WILL TURN YOU INTO A SELF-LOATHING LUNATIC NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND.
I’m not even saying don’t do drugs. But don’t do coke. Don’t do heroine, you idiot. And don’t do meth, because common and uncommon sense alike have proven that you will come to regret that shit wicked fast.
And can we talk about how politically and ethically (I use that in the vulgar sense here) problematic coke is? You are the reason for some of the worst and most brutal exploitation of workers (primarily coca farmers) imaginable all so you can be an overconfident obnoxious piece of shit who can’t maintain a hard on.